a little bit of this, a little bit of that

Welp, I’m awake on couch in boyfriend’s living room because the anxiety/nausea from taking all my meds at once again (ugh) and boyfriend snoring was keepin me up. We had plans to hang tonight, but I came over later than anticipated—but we basically had sex and fell asleep (not that i’m complaining on principle, sex is awesome). Rule of life: do all things before sex or they won’t get done (which is why I ended up cleaning the kitchen at 3 AM the other day…le sigh) -____-

I miss the feeling of going out on first dates, of that nervousness and the buzz of a drink or two, when, with the confidence of the alcohol propelling you, know the guy is watching you walk to to the bathroom, and the rush of good conversation.

I still love dates with my boy, but I feel like there’s no more mystery for him to uncover. He’s seen me naked, he knows my secrets…the element of catching and charming is gone.

So, regarding the de-friending situation of yesterday:

The guy in question is a guy I dated over the summer. It didn’t carry over because I moved to Colorado and I was not going to do long distance, again. And I think he’s always held a grudge about that. But anyway, he texted me back yesterday, eventually, and said it was just too much to look at my tumblr and facebook, etc—it was “torturous” for him, because he still had feelings for me. Still. Strong enough ones that he couldn’t get past it, even though we had conversed a handful of times in the past couple of months that gave no indication of this. 

I asked him why he couldn’t tell me this—that why it made me angry was because he simply slipped away, and told me I didn’t notice earlier, so I should feel guilty. He said that  if we talked more, if I “cared”, then he would have told me. I didn’t respond with such, but frankly I feel like that’s horseshit. I responded as much as he did, and given the busy schedule I have had, I give what I can to someone who is also very involved in his own busy life. Instead of telling me why, or even explaining, he chooses to blame me. 

Regardless. This is not the first time this has happened—being defriended (not just in the Facebook sense of the word—but in real life) because feelings are too strong to have friendship. This has happened time and again, and I always end up getting hurt, feeling a horrible sense of loss. Maybe I should accept that people who have had romantic feelings for me can’t be my friends. Maybe that’s not possible. 

In many of these situations, there have been reciprocal feelings on my end. But I deal with things differently—I accept that something will not be a reality, and I move on. That doesn’t mean that there’s not lingering feelings there, but I’ve dealt with enough disappointment in my life that I accept that not everything can as you want it to. I am then accused of “not caring,” of “lying” of “being over it” while the other person is still struggling. I deal with things in my own way. I process it as I mention above. And then the friendship I want to hold onto so dearly is revoked. 

But talking to someone the other day, I came to the realization—maybe I should just let them go. Maybe that’s the easiest thing to do, maybe it will stop me from getting hurt so often—and them, too. In some cases, it’s difficult for me to know how they’re feeling/to what extent they’re feeling that—and so it ends up being a horrible surprise. But I guess, bottom line, I should take my own point of view and apply—something will not be a reality—move on. Friendship cannot be. This has been proven time and again. 

Let’s see if I learn it, this time. 

(I am a creeper, but the wind is so loud, I am wide awake and feeling unwell)

There is nothing sweeter looking than a sleeping boy, hands down. 

This whole decision to want to be with you isn’t wishy-washy, or circumstantial as to how easy it is for me.

One of the loveliest things anyone has said to me, still.