Poems, photos, rants and raves that are all inevitably me in one form or another.
“Can I just stand in the middle of you two while you make out? I don’t want to be alone!”
(Mostly) good night, hahah.
My friend has a crush on my roommate. Of course. So sick of being the ‘funny one.’
Melodramatic title with ensuing melodramatic post, probably.
I can’t do this anymore. It’s one extreme or another with L, and now we’re not talking—like, at all. We talked at Daniel’s party last night, but it seemed forced and uncomfortable for him, and I could tell he didn’t want to be talking to me. I shot him a text about a book I think he’d really like—no response, which, whatever.
I’m not going to get hurt by this anymore. This vacillation has caused me a lot of tears and confusion and I can’t keep doing it. I want L in my life, as a friend, but I feel like it can’t be done. Not his fault—maybe just the way it is. I have to let it go. It’s hard to see him and not talk to him, see him intentionally ignoring me (even if he swears up and down that he’s not). Maybe it’s time to take D’s advice—to stop getting hurt by the mood swings, to let him decide if we are friends or not. And this isn’t meant to blame L at all—I DO get it, I really, really do, but that doesn’t mean it’s still not detrimental to my sense of self. It’s hurting him, me and probably D by letting this go back and forth.
I guess I’m frustrated that we can’t be friends, but even if we can’t be friends, we can’t seem to manage polite co-worker cordiality. Like I said—it’s all or nothing with this kid.
I can say this all I want, but we’ll see. I want to be able to do this—to maybe pretend the other doesn’t exist (as much as that fheiohfiohaiosfhoow fucking sucks) until maybe there’s a point where we can be cordial, or maybe friends (although, the way my year is fucking going, keeping anyone as a friend when there’s been feeling involved is destined to be impossible)—but every time he cracks a stupid joke or erupts into amused laughter, I want to throw something at him to get his attention, to ask him to go get a beer, or play on the swings, or just talk about tattoosbooksmusicwordsthoughtsfeelingsgoalslifeeverything.
D and I were talking last night and he said that he sometimes felt jealous of Linus because we have so much in common, and that while he and I connect in a different way, it still gave him pause. I admitted that it’s true; L and I have an awesome connection, we get along well and I think we understand (some) things about one another implicitly. And that’s why it’s so hard when he doesn’t talk to me, or just the very notion of not having him around. But maybe it’s necessary.