Poems, photos, rants and raves that are all inevitably me in one form or another.
So tonight I took a peak at roommate’s phone (I know, I KNOW. I promised that I would never do that again) and re-read the text convo between her and D. Not only do they make plans to apparently do something else the next morning after I leave for work, but they both say (paraphrased) they “don’t regret it and no harm done” ( …um, except to me??). He called her sexy and implied that this would be it, for now—and she said she was sober and knew what she was doing.
I wonder if they both regret it now because they got caught. Maybe it was drunk words. Telling nonetheless.
I have resolved myself to forgive and move on; still this feeds the small flame of distrust I have slowly kindled in my center.
Meet me in Montauk.
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
Am I, will I be the Clementine to his Joel?
Maybe because getting some alone time it proving to be pretty goddamn rare these days. In fact, I should be sleeping because I will be up in three hours to get ready for work, but I am taking some time to enjoy being alone.
I was going to break up stuff into different posts, but I may as well just make one giant post, bullet point style.
"I love you, you idiot" I said as I tapped his face in semblance of a slap, his arms wrapped around my waist.
"So don’t mess it up."
Often I find after emotional instances, the last thing I want is to talk about it more, to hash it out in detail.
But maybe doing so will help get some of it out of my head.
So after finding out and confronting D, I found out that one night, when he, myself and my roommate all got drunk together and I went to bed, they made out.
Now, after processing the details and having a long talk, in the grand scheme of things, him drunkenly making out with another girl is not that huge a deal.
And yet, the more I think about it, the more trouble I have with brushing it away.
The thoughts that continually plague me as they circle through my mind, as I follow through with the mundane tasks of my day-to-day:
As I said, it is less the incident itself than the implications, the fact that it happened between two people who care—or at least cared about me at some point, that both expressed whatever general desires they had, without a second thought. That they both chose to lie with little guilt associated with it, to “save me.”
I’m trying to get past this. Or, trying to figure out how to, how to be able to trust that there are those around me who will not forsake me for more base emotions and needs.
I forgive easily. But what do I accept as a genuine mistake and what do I perceive as an indication of trouble to come?
Just got a message from someone letting me know they have forgiven me.
As I work through coming to terms with my relationships and interactions in the past, I have to let things go, often I have to accept that people I once loved or cherished deeply have ill-will towards me. It is…inexplicably wonderful to have been granted forgiveness.